Let’s do better talking about bodies.
Or perhaps more radically, but more ideally, let’s stop talking about bodies.
Friends to their friends. Mothers to their daughters. Relatives to relatives. Etcetera.
It’s a nice notion to think that we have all at least learned not to make unsolicited comment on other’s bodies. But have we?
We’ve all been conditioned to refrain from the obvious comments as to not seem rude, right? We know not to say, “You’ve gained weight”. However, why is it deemed so acceptable to say “You’ve lost weight!” or “You look so much better now!” or the likes, when comments like this, though meant well, carry thinly-veiled implications of “There was something wrong with you before”.
Statements like, even when well-received, still carry the implication that should someone gain weight or revert to a previous appearance, that the compliment is revoked and a judgement takes its place. And if you find this viewpoint overly sensitive, you may be the target audience.
Perhaps not to everyone - but to a significant portion of the population, who have suffered with flawed body-image or disordered eating, it is so important to be gentle with the way we talk about bodies. I can’t speak for everyone, but I have enough beautiful people in my circles who have struggled with disorders of habit and thoughts (myself included) that I know how touchy the subject of bodies can be.
Anecdotally, I have had a long history of negative self-image and disordered eating. For context - I’m a tall girl (which I’ve always associated with “big”), I have seldom been the thinnest one in a group, and I grew up fluctuating on the border of “skinny” and not. These factors, combined with the overwhelming pressure of media and constant societal sexualization, have contributed to a long history of eating issues for me. I’ve gone through periods where I majorly abused my body and neglected my self-worth - with some stretches of time where “food” and “weight” were the only two things I thought about throughout a day. Thankfully, through many, many years of combatting inner demons such as these, I can say I’m at a relatively stable place with my habits and self-perception. I can now skip workouts. I can now go out to eat with people (with is, believe it or not, big!). I can now ignore the urge to step on every scale. These seem like small feats, and perhaps they are. But they’ve served as big milestones in my journey to health, both mental and physical.
This isn’t to say I love my body everyday or never slip back into problematic tendencies. And though it’s an oversimplified proposition that everyone else is accountable for my body image (as it’s my own responsibility to work on myself) … the truth is that a triggering comment can be the turning point into some weeks of body dysmorphia and unhealthy habits.
These triggers can come in the form of obvious comments that we all know to stay away from (“Have you gained weight?”), but far more often come in the form of subtleties such as “You look thinner!” or even “Have you lost weight?” This is not a compliment - it is an uninvited observation about my body that feels more like a violation.
Equating skinny to good, a generalization that carries the weight of fatphobia, ethnocentrism, etc., is problematic in itself - and to use that as a compliment seems in poor taste. As someone who has been societally taught that the less I weigh, the better, I can’t speak for those who have struggled to gain weight. However, it is important to acknowledge that “skinny” hurts many too, as not everyone is trying to lower the number on the scale.
While we’re at it: stop talking about your fad diets. Stop talking about your calorie counting. Stop imposing these thoughts onto those you care about. By all means, share your health journeys and body confidence and the likes… There’s a difference in delivery and intention there that I don’t feel necessary to spell out. Don’t plant a seed of disordered habits into the minds of loved ones, because we all learn our insecurities from somewhere - whether societally or relationally. Let’s be careful not to be the root of self-hate for others.
In the name of self-love! I love this picture because this was one of the first times in a while when it was taken that I didn’t feel guilty after eating whatever I wanted - which was a really empowering feeling going into my 20th year surrounded by loved ones. xoxo
Policing compliments isn’t what I’m intending. To so many, acknowledging hard-earned weight losses or fitness journeys is empowering and validating. However, I think we can get a little more creative with the way we validate the people we love than analyzing the changes in their physique.
We can compliment people better. We can acknowledge health better. We can empower people better.
We can do better. Let’s do better.